Red flags 2023/10/14 | Excelsior

By Marisol Escárcega

Why don't we go to the first abuse? That's the million-dollar question.

First of all, because most of us were educated to please men: our father, brothers, and then, when we have a boyfriend, when we get married or live with someone, our partner.

Another reason is that we women have been told that love can do everything, heals everything, solves everything, and out of love, we forgive lies, infidelities, broken promises, insults, blows and an endless list of humiliations.

And also, we have been told that forgiveness is part of life as a couple, so, we go through life forgiving all kinds of actions that clearly do hurt us and, that is exactly the crux: identifying what makes us uncomfortable, It hurts or it doesn't click, grandmothers would say, intuition.

The red flag (red flags) are warning signs to stop, a reason not to continue where we were going, like when we see tape surrounding a police perimeter and we move away or when we see flags on the beach that indicate high waves or simply sirens. of ambulances announcing an emergency.

The red flag They are exactly the same, they are warnings that we “do not see” at first, because we are in the enchantment of romantic love and they seem to us to be naive, innocent, romantic and, therefore, normal, even natural attitudes and so we let them pass.

Generally, it is our close circle that notices these red flags and tells us, but almost always we do not listen to them or we think that they are exaggerating and we even get angry because they "talk bad" to us about our partner.

For example, a classic is that they speak badly of the ex-girlfriend, who is almost always called toxic and crazy. We all know a man who said that his ex-partner was crazy.

Another warning is that they try to influence the way you dress, how you speak, express yourself and even what you eat or ask you to no longer see certain people, such as friends or family. When they make hurtful comments to you, which they call “little jokes,” and when you complain they immediately respond that “they can't say anything to you anymore, because then you get angry” or “you take everything to heart.”

Also, when it makes you gaslighting either mansplaning. The first is when it makes you doubt your sanity and you end up thinking that everything is a product of your imagination, that he did warn you that he was late, that you exaggerate when you feel that he didn't tell you the truth. The second is when he says exactly what you just said, especially if he is in front of other people; invalidates your opinions and explains what you say or only interrupts you to steal your voice.

Another red flag is when he manipulates you into doing something you don't want to do, especially if you've already told him no, like having sex or having children. When he gets angry because you don't answer his call or answer his message right away. When he is jealous of you and argues that it is because he loves you, this is another classic.

When he blackmails you and if you do not accept, he applies the “law of silence” and talks to you until you apologize for something you DID NOT do, making you feel guilty and finally agree to what he asked of you. When he gives you all his attention and then out of nowhere he ignores you and doesn't talk to you for days. When he hurts you, he doesn't accept responsibility and doesn't apologize, or if he does, he starts with “If I offended you…” which is clearly not an apology.

Love is not pain or tears or guilt. Love should not endure anything nor should anything be sacrificed in the name of this feeling nor should a courtship or marriage continue when there is no longer respect.

The truth is that we almost never go to the first abuse, having a relationship like this is shameful and this makes it more difficult to ask for help, hence the importance of supporting minors, especially women, to identify those abuses. red flag, which is nothing other than our sixth sense. If it bothers you, if it hurts, that's not it.

marisol.escarcega@gimm.com.mx